Working through the grief

We made it to Ecuador! The past few months have been a whirlwind of emotions. Leaving Korea was one of the hardest things we have ever had to do. I don't want people to think that we don't love the US and our friends and family there because we do. But something happened to us in Korea. I think picking up and moving our family all our own and having to establish ourselves brand new without our families to save us caused us to grow up and mature in ways I didn't think was possible. I went to Korea as a young mom and wife soaking in all advice and help possible and somehow during our 7 years there, I became the 'experienced' mom and helped others. I still have a long way to go as a parent and a wife and want to soak up all the advice possible but I've changed.

Korea changed me for the better. I became more independent. I couldn't rely on my parents anymore now that they were 9,000 miles away. I had to learn to reach out to others otherwise we would be loners in a a brand new country. I had to try to new things- shopping in new places, eating new foods, new job experiences. I have come a long way from eating just mustard sandwiches and french fries. I'm stronger. I think of the first time I went overseas by myself and what a wreck I was, throwing up in the airport and sobbing. I still get worried, I still get upset, but leaving is now a part of life. Korea taught me about a world outside of myself. I met people from Korea, India, Thailand, China, Malaysia, Nepal, South Africa, New Zealand, Australia, Belgium, the far away state of Idaho or Missouri or Minnesota who showed me life around the world was beautiful. My little North Carolina life was turned upside down. I met people from all denominations. Guess what! God uses people from outside of the Christian and Missionary Alliance. My mind was opened to new ways of thinking, new ways of teaching, new ways of eating, new ways of sharing love with others. I met some of the most amazing people who have impacted me for the rest of my life. And for that I am grateful. 

Living overseas changes you for the better. I see the world differently. What I hate about living overseas though is the good bye factor. Every year we said good bye to friends who were now family. When you live in a community of expats, the bond is so much greater than just your workplace in America. The people we worked with were the people we lived life with, we cried together, we celebrated together, we figured out where to find the American imported items togethers, we worshiped together, we looked to each other for advice, we cared for each other. To me- that's what a family is. It doesn't matter that we don't come from the same physical bloodline, we come from God's bloodline. He made us all and for a season he put us together in a place called Daejeon, South Korea. Saying goodbye stinks. I feel like a part of me was left in Korea. Of course, so many people from that "family" are now spread around the world as well. 

The last few months have not left us much time to process leaving Korea. We were so busy looking toward what we had to do next that everything has just been bottled up inside waiting to explode. Now that we are in Ecuador, our emotions are leaking out the top of the jar. We have had to fill ourselves with new experiences and friends and there just isn't room right now. The past couple weeks have been hard on our kids, all of us really. There have been many tears shed and lots of cries to 'go home.' I still find it strange that my US passport kids don't long from America (besides from grandparent's homes, Target, and Chickfila) but they long for Korea. We miss TCIS, we miss our family, we miss our apartment that holds all the memories bringing our kids home from the hospital and living life together. We miss our waffle fest friends. We miss Gongcha and the orange restaurant outside the back gate of the old campus. We miss old campus. We miss the safety we felt and the freedom to send the kids out to the kahghe outside our door. We miss the smiles and faces of the most kind and helpful school staff possible. I miss the ladies who so lovingly raised my kids with me in the ELC. We were so blessed with 7 year wonderful years in Korea. 

As hard as these months have been, God has been there with us helping us pack one more suitcase or saying one more good bye and preparing the way before us without us even knowing it. This summer now matter what church we were in, He had a message for us. This morning was the same. Even though it was hard to leave Korea, Ecuador has been a refreshing place. There is no doubt in my mind that Alliance Academy International is the place we are supposed to be right now, even though my heart still hurts like crazy. This morning at our new church we sang the song, Blessed be the name of the Lord. I have sung it hundreds of times before but today it took on new meaning. Here are the words.

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful 
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out 
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering 
Though there's pain in the offering 
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out 
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

God is still good even though He took us away from what was comfortable. We have been through the pain and suffering this year, but He is still good. I have learned this year that I can't put my trust in organizations, churches, people, or places. They will all fail me at one time or the other. But my God WILL NOT fail me. He will not leave me. He never promised me that life would be easy or without pain. But He did promise me that he would not leave me to do it alone. It was the last part of that song that struck me the most. "You give and take away" God gave us Korea and TCIS at the time that was right for us. He also took it away at the time He felt was best. He has now given us a new home, a new focus, a new life here in Ecuador at AAI. As I work through the loss of Korea, I will still bless His name because He has provided me a wonderful place where I can serve him for this season of my life. It's a good place and good community and I know that we will soon have the same kind of Ecuadorian family here as we had with our Korean family. I am sure whenever we leave here, our hearts will hurt just as bad. I am thankful for the hurt because it means that I invested in our lives with the people in Korea and chose to make a difference there instead of just sitting back and watching time go by. Am I ready to do it again? Am I really ready to invest in this place and these people just to set up my heart for more hurt? To be honest, I'm not so sure but I want to be. I want to invest my life here so I can make a difference for God in this place. I want to love on kids. I want to share my life with my coworkers. I want to share God's love with those around me. Today is not the last day I will cry or be sad that we left Korea. But God is still good, He is still in control and He has a plan for me here and I am ready live out that plan.